The Trouble With Manhood

I have more often than not failed to feel like a man. It’s something that I think about quite a bit as my 40th birthday comes in 6 days. When I was younger, I always imagined that becoming a man would be accompanied by this feeling, some innate assurance that I had arrived. Maybe something akin to a ”He-Man” moment where I yell something out into the air, and then I feel powered up. I feel like this different person other than myself. To my disappointment, that has not been the case. I really wanted my own BattleCat. Just saying.

So what does manhood feel like? Here’s what I know. I know that sometimes it doesn’t feel good. Like the years where I couldn’t provide for my family while working at Walgreen’s because I had gone back to school. Or the moment I realized that we would have to file for bankruptcy. Or the private moments when I knew that I had failed to be the man that they needed. But what determines a man? Is there some kind of rite of passage? Contrary to what I hear in my classrooms, it has nothing to do with six packs. It’s not sex. Drugs? No. That first sip of alcohol? Doubtful. And the problem is that for many men today, especially Black Men, this idea of manhood has become a moving target, one that changes just at the moment when we feel our feet finally obtaining a standing on one already slippery slope.

Society has told us that a man is a provider. He works tooth and nail, with a dogged determination to provide the best life that he can for his family. He “brings home the bacon” and is the model of uprightness. A man, as shown in movies and stories of old, should be able to change a flat and the oil in a car. A man should not be afraid to pick up the gun to defend is family. A man keeps his emotions hidden, putting on a brave face in difficult circumstances and in times of uncertainty. That is a man. Or is it? And is it the image of manhood that I want my sons to convey and understand?

Life experience has shown me that I meet few, if any, of those hallmarks and capstones. I cry at the drop of a dime. My feelings overwhelm me in their intensity. They always have, and I’ve often felt out of place because of it. I can change a tire, albeit not quickly. I can’t change the oil in any car. I’m not handy at fixing, but I’m super handy at calling the professional! I work hard, but not tooth and nail, because I prefer to give my dogged determination toward loving my family. I recognize that I’m not the bread-winner, but rather my job is simply an area of resource, not my identity. I don’t own a gun...yet, and my brave face? yeah. I don’t even play poker, because my eyes always give me away. And while I know that none of these things disqualifies me from manhood, my inner voice often tells me that I’m not hitting the mark. And my inner voice chides me for not being the manly, camping, hunting, fishing guy that my sons should have. Yet in that, their Paw-Paw Bailey is always willing to take them fishing. So should I feel guilty because I don’t know how to do it? Should I be afraid because in some eyes, as a Black Man, just my presence offends enough to frighten people into action?

No. We can all be men. We should all, to the male readers anyway, BE men.

As it stands now, and it might change tomorrow, I don’t feel guilty. While I’m not everything that I think a man should be in my head, in my heart I understand that a man is one who does the best that he can in every situation, good or bad. Men come in all shapes and sizes, with varied skills, abilities, and interests. Just because my manhood doesn’t look yours doesn’t mean that either of us are wrong. We could both be right. And also, just because our manhood displays the way that it does right now, that doesn’t mean that it won’t look different tomorrow. As long as we are trying and growing daily, we are men.

See, the trouble with manhood is that for too long the terms and definition of it have been dictated to us by voices outside of our circles. We have allowed influence to master how we think of ourselves. Well, I say no more. I say that we grab the markers and craft a definition that brings us together, not one that tears us apart. I say we live out manhood on terms that express who we are as authentic creations from God, primed and full of His glory, creativeness, and vastness. Either we own manhood, or a version will be pushed upon us by powers who have no stake in whether we survive or die off.

I dare you to not let that happen.

40 is coming. This week I am going to be spending some time with myself via these blogs. I am going to be exploring who I am now, and who I want to be going forward. I hope that you all will join me on a small side mission of self exploration. it should be a doozy.