Hyper UN-Focused

I am presently staring at a case of life that I have never had to navigate before. I am done with school, at least as far as I know. For the first time in almost 10 years, I don’t have anything pulling at me from the side. No discussion questions to respond to. No group projects to work on. And while that should bring with it peace, not having anything else to do has brought me to a place where my mind is a cacophonic jumble of ideas. Let’s break this down:

- Writing a second book: My first book “Slaying the Lion” sold about 75 hard copies and was downloaded about 150 times, per Amazon. That’s pretty good, though not as good as I would have liked. I have been working on an idea for a second book, and have worked on it off and on. The problem is that ideas for the book don’t come often or easily. I will type for maybe 15 minutes and then have exhausted all that I have to say on the topic. My prayer has always been that as God gives me words, I’ll type them, and nothing else. So maybe this is just how God wants it done. Admittedly, I’m a lazy writer. I do it with no regularity or pattern. I used to feel an enormous amount of guilt about that, but now? Not so much. I’ve come to accept that I am what a friend calls a “braindump writer.” Those brain dumps come, are exhausted, and then they go away, however that does not stop me from thinking that I NEED to write. I’m even going allow my website to lapse into the free version via Wix. I’m not Justin Belt- author, at this point in my life.

- Phrozen Photography: I love taking pictures. My dad was a photographer. He always had his camera with him, giving away his services selflessly for as long as I can remember. While I never showed outward interest, I was always watching him. He loved what he did and never expected anything in return. When I got my first DSLR, a Canon T6i, I discovered what I had already known. I had an eye for photography. After years of taking pictures, I decided to finally take the leap. This year, after half-heartedly pursuing a business with nothing to show for it (all my fault), I made a promise to do my best to pursue clients and branding (I’m coming to hate that word). Having to learn how to establish a presence in the world of social media has been harrowing. Learning Instagram on a new level, Stories, Reels, Posets, Aesthetics...ugh. Which leads to another issue.

- Who do I want to be? On Instagram, I have a photography account, but without clients, it is mostly just me and the family with quotes sprinkled here and there. I have a bomb logo and brand colors. But something about it doesn’t feel right. I’m not just a photographer. I also love encouraging people. I like helping people with their mindsets and perspectives, even while some of my own are messed up from time to time. I love preaching and talking about the word of God. How do I combine all of that into something that is representative of me without neglecting any other part? Is it even possible? This overthinking leads me to not posting anything, not that my posts get a lot of love anyway. In the end, I post what I want, because I want anyone who books with me to see the kind of person that I am...though that person is multifaceted and not really being booked right now. And that person wants to be booked to take your family portraits! See my problem? When I ask myself who I want to be, the answer is always EVERYTHING. I want to be everything that God has placed inside of me to be. I want to do everything that God has gifted me to do. That shouldn’t be so hard, should it?

- Oh and not to mention Tik Tok! I have 30 thousand followers. Woo hoo, right? No. It is fool’s gold. I got lucky with a couple of duets that garnered me over 500k views, and boom...I go from 100 followers to 30k overnight. An average post gets maybe 150 views, which is awesome when you think about 150 people seeing a 60 second video about God, right?

- I’m also trying to navigate my next steps in my educational career. I’m ready to be a school administrator, but there are hoops to jump through in order to get there. In the end, I think I’m just ready for something new. Something big. I need something big to happen.

- Funny aside: I had the idea to start my own ministry. Then I thought...”Why would ANYBODY listen to you? YOU don’t even listen to you!” lol. I seriously miss leading worship. I miss working with church leadership.

So when I sit down to try and blog, as I have done many times over the last few days, my brain is so jumbled that I give up. There is too much bumping around up there. I need a life coach, or a branding consultant, or God, himself, to come down and tell me where I need to focus, because this “rolling with it” way is getting nothing accomplished fast. I’m 40. It’s time to make stuff happen. Maybe. Right? I just don’t know how to navigate this season.

I simply want to do so much that I have gotten paralyzed into doing nothing well. Lord, help me.

I finally discovered my Enneagramnumber yesterday. I am an 2 and a 4 equally. Practically the same percentage. What that means is that I often struggle with feelings of worthlessness, while also feeling like I will never achieve the levels of success and achievement that I really believe that I am destined for. I recognize the struggle. I’ve helped others with this same struggle. We’ll get through it. I just have to figure some things out.