Saturday night into Sunday morning, I had dreams. Very clear dreams. By clear, I mean that I remember everything about them, but the meaning of these dreams was not immediately clear when I woke up. I felt strange. Convicted, but not convicted. Confused. I’ll clue you in.
Dream #1- Tricia came home from somewhere telling me about a job opportunity that she had found, that might fit me great. She gave me the phone number and when I called, an interview was set up immediately. I nailed the interview and was offered the job. The benefits package was insane! The yearly salary was such that we could live comfortably while even living from one income. The dream shifted before I knew if I accepted it or not. I was excited to not have to struggle day to day as we do now.
Dream #2- I was set down in the middle of this dream. Out of the blue another church had offered me a pastoral position. It involved teaching on Sundays, leading worship, and other background work. The church was meeting in person, and they were really excited about my skill set and how I could add to what they were doing. I found myself torn between the church that we presently attend and that opportunity. I wanted what that church had to offer, but I also wanted the relationships that I have at our church. I didn’t want to start over, but I could feel the frustration of not singing on a worship team for over a year. Even while being asleep, I felt the tension in my body. AS absurd as it sounds, in the dream I was trying to figure out how to serve two churches.
As I woke up and started telling Tricia about it, I knew that these dreams were hinting at something truthful within me. As I look back now, it almost feels like God coming to Solomon and telling him that he could ask for anything. Riches, fame, wisdom.
I’ve always wondered what I would have chosen. It’s easy to say that I would have chosen as Solomon did. Wisdom, Lord. Give me the wisdom to rule with integrity and to uphold Your statutes, God. With every ounce of my being I want to be able to say that I would have chosen. Preachers stand up on Sunday mornings and say that would have chosen as Solomon did. I’m not nearly so certain. See, these dreams are hitting at some things in my heart that I have been wrestling with, and now that they are out and in the open, I feel raw and exposed. I both hate it and love it. It feels very weird. So, here we go.
The first dream represents the dissatisfaction that I hold inside for our financial state. Not having enough. Always looking for a way to get ahead, to have enough to last passed the month while knowing rationally it’s not possible in our current structure. Don’t mistake me. I‘m not resentful of why we are in this place, just that we are. I would quickly and easily choose it again if it meant Tricia was able to accomplish her dream, but I just wish that I could be a better provider and cover the gaps in our income. It has been a wound that I have covered. It is humiliating. Embarrassing. When I released my book, I did secretly hope that it would take off, because it might have provided more income to help. I also would not have had to ask for financial help from anyone. We could have moved to self sufficiency. But I see therein lies the problem. I want to be independent. I’m tired of having to ask God for my daily bread. Just once I want to be able to make my own. I’m tired of feeling like a beggar. I know that this implies arrogance on my part. I know this. But, I also know this comes from a place of thinking, believing the lie, that God gets sick and tired of me coming to Him with my needs. Somewhere in my theological background, I still have this picture of God as this stern-faced, angry God who looks at my actions and decides whether to bless me or not. That I have to fast and pray 34/7 to earn my way into his good graces when I fail to be perfect. I know better, but that image of God pops up here and there. And I think it is that working image of God that makes me, deep within my heart, wish that I didn’t have to ask. I feel shame and inadequate, and so I feel like if I had my own, I wouldn’t have to worry God with my stuff and He could continue blessing everyone else.
It’s a warped frame of mind that reminds me that I can never stop striving to know Him better. I can never not spend time with Him, because my mind (and heart) are in constant need of transformation. I need to be so close to Him that the toxic thinking that my mind can fall back on has no choice but to be uprooted and cast into the fire. Yet, even in all of this striving, this last year, God has been faithful. Whether I prayed or not, God has provided in so many ways. Sometimes it was simply in a utility company extending our due date. I have to call that a blessing as well, not just the big, showy things God has done to blow our minds. Even finding five dollars in the clothes dryer, or a twenty stuffed away somewhere. When we couldn’t pay for childcare toward the latter part of the school year and I used up all of my paid time off, then we no longer had to worry about it, because the pandemic shut schools down. I’m not praising God for the pandemic. I’m praising Him for providing a miracle in the middle of it. God has been so faithful, and my heart lifts as I think about the many ways that He has taken care of us. Killing off that weed that a man has to be a provider...that one is a doozy.
The second dream is a challenge to my trust in God and also a counter to my sense of timing. I’m well aware that I’m 40 years old now, and for 18 years I have dreamed of pastoring and/or being involved in leading a church. Do I think I’m qualified? nah. But when God arrested my heart and called me both back to Him and to ministry, that moment also involved God speaking to my heart that he had called me to Pastor. Of course, I’ve never been close to that, and as time has gone on, I’ve chosen to forsake that dream to protect my heart from disappointment, I suppose. That’s not right. I know. That I would have a dream about it speaks to the fact that it’s still there. I miss singing on a worship team. I miss teaching. I miss working with a staff to pray and be faithful to the calling of God on a body of believers. It has been hard sitting still, though I also recognize the blessing of it. The other thing that this dream speaks to is a need to be affirmed for whatever skill or gifts God has placed inside of me. I claim to hide it well, but I doubt that it actually the case. I want to be recognized. To be seen. To be acknowledged. To be trained. I think I’m gifted. Special. But when that feels overlooked, it affects me in negative ways. I’m ashamed that I crave this kind of attention. I dislike this part of myself because it feels self-serving and I think this dream speaks to that desire while also desiring connections and relationships. As much of an introvert as I can be, I love people. I love being around them, and Covid has robbed me of some of the essentials of that. It is an ache that I never truly stop to acknowledge, but now I am.
I feel the conviction, especially the hope in it. God is not finished with me yet. The story of Justin is still being written, and refining is still in process. The selfishness, the attention-seeking, the shame...that I’m aware of it outwardly now Is a sign that God wants me to allow Him to work on it. I’m thankful that He loves men enough to honestly, yet graciously deal with me.
As God has laid my heart bare in these dreams, I have laid it bare again for you all with these words. I’m actually still feeling the after effects of it. For as flawed a human as I am, I pray that something in this post encourages you in your walk with God.