While Disney has not yet released it’s viewership numbers from streaming Hamilton over the past weekend, it’s subscriber count boosted 74% over normal rates of subscription with over 500,000 people signing up for a subscription from the dates of July 3 to July 6. It is safe to say that Hamilton drove a significant amount of traffic to the House of Mouse. We watched it for the first time last night, making a family movie night out of it. I have been excited to see it for a long time, often desperately wishing that we could have seen it initially when the original cast was touring with it. I’d read several books about his Alexander Hamilton’s life, and was struck by how well he lived the mantra that was repeated often during the proceedings of the ”film”.
“I’m not throwing away my shot.”
I’m not going to miss my.....shot.
My...shot.
I have a natural attraction to people with this mindset. PT Barnum. Bradley Cooper‘s character in “Limitless”. Both men who sought to go beyond their station in life and took the kind of risks, with the right mix of bravery and foolishness, in order to improve their odds for becoming just the kind of man that they want to be. I would even characterize Jacob/ Israel from the Bible as a man of that same ilk. It is that craving to not only be more, but do things to get there that I admire. Yes, I know that those men often find themselves in situations that compromise them, and could ruin all that they have worked so hard to accomplish, but still, the fact remains that I love the stories that accompany these lives.
I’ve always fancied myself as more than I am. I’ve always had these hypothetical plans and visions for my life to reach heights that could never have been imagined. I wanted to be a famous musician when I went to undergrad (Tougaloo in the house!). I wanted to be a famous author. I wanted to be the pastor of huge church. I wanted to be a speaker on circuits, getting paid to help people. When it comes down to it, I guess I‘ve always wanted to be seen. In keeping with the theme of shooting a shot, I would say that I have always had the gun. I’ve just never known how to pull the trigger.
Maybe that is the source of some of my angst as my 40th birthday comes rushing in like a freight train. I can think of so many times that had I been able to come up with the action plan, I might have accomplished more than I have to now. Or maybe, (I’m working this through my mind as I talk to you all), I wasn’t meant to reach any of those milestones. Or maybe still, the timing just has not been right? These men had the ideas to go along with their believe in themselves. They saw themselves. The actually saw themselves. Not just for what they were. Rather, they saw themselves for who they could be, and then had the courage to pull the trigger via ideas, etc to ensure that they got there.
Have I really ever seen myself? Ever had the real belief in myself that others have often had in me? A close friend recently asked me a question. He asked,
”Do you even know how highly people think of you?”
In truth? No, because I don’t hold myself in that same esteem. So maybe as I start my 40th year on the planet, I should give myself a few gifts.
See Justin. I need to see who I am and who I want to be. I need to accept who I am authentically, and show more grace in how I was created. I can’t compare myself to anybody else, or allow others to see me while completely disregarding my own consideration and vision of who I am. This will be a hard thing to shift since I enjoy lifting others, but I can’t neglect to see “me” anymore. God made me, so I’m worth it.
Be present for Justin. This might sound really arrogant, but I don’t mean it in such a way. Actually it relates closely to number one on the list. Being present for Justin means taking the time everyday to check in on myself. Asking questions like “How are you feeling?” “What should you do about this?” “Where are your thoughts taking you?” “What actions can further your growth in this moment?” “How is your heart?” I’m good about reflection, but intentionally having this kind of self-counseling can be beneficial to make sure that I’m not putting myself completely out of the picture at the expense of taking care of others.
Pull the freaking trigger!!! I HAVE to find ways to challenge my own disbelief by pulling triggers on things that I have been afraid to do in the past. I recently auditioned for ”The Voice”, and while I didn’t make it past the first round, it felt good to finally do it. I recently (back in March) published a book. That was me “shooting my shot”. I need to be more courageous and pull the trigger repeatedly until the day comes when I have no more bullets left to shoot. Maybe a poor comparison, but God filled the clip. I have to pull the trigger.
I’ll never know all that I can be if I don’t purposefully try to become him. In that way, Alexander Hamilton, PT Barnum, and Bradley Cooper’s character in “Limitless”..(I just can’t remember his name for the life of me), have given me some deep context for my own life.
“I’m DONE throwing away my shot.”
Maybe you’re done too?
You’re reading part 2 of a series of blog posts examining my life as I turn 40 on Sunday. I’d love your feedback, or even how these posts relate to your own life. See the first post here.