Dear Thirties

Where do I start? It’s been the best of times and the worst of times. Sounds trite, but it rings true so I’m going with it. I want to pause for a moment to think about some major things that have happened in your decade. Before we go further, I wanted you to know that I was extremely fearful about leaving you. Somehow I had this thought in my hdad that my best years were supposed to be during your time, but I’ve made my peace. I know my thinking is wrong. Now, let’s reminisce shall we, old friend?

• Canaan, Zyla, and Emerie appeared during the last 10 years. Who does that?? Me, evidently.

• I discovered the value of community.

• I found a passion for teaching, and maybe even a gift for it? (Jury is still out on that one.)

• I discovered that my heart is big enough to love my kids and the hundreds of students that I have had in m y 8 years of teaching. I REALLY love my students. They’re my kids for life.

• I auditioned for both America’s Got Talent and The Voice. Didn’t make it past the first round on either, but it’s okay.

• I wrote and published a book.

• I wrote a novel in 27 days and posted it on WattPad.

• I wrote several spoken word poems that never saw the light of day.

• I started a podcast that I loved.

• I participated in the greatest parody tandem ever...the SPOOF BROS!!!

• I wrote songs that I forgot about.

• I was a children’s pastor, along with my wife, and wrote our theme song.

• I was an outreach pastor.

• I preached at a church, sometimes 2 services! That was always fun!

• I fought with God over pastoring a church, specifically it not happening, and finally found peace without it.

• I discovered what depression was, and felt it’s icy grips in every area of my life.

• I doubted myself more than any other period in my life.

• My facade was broken.

• I found that I wasn’t as patient as I always thought that I was.

• I made deep, life altering mistakes that exposed the ugliness of my heart and soul.

• My selfishness reared itself more than a few times.

• My pride took hit after hit after hit.

• Life was unkind.

• Then life was kind.

• Then it was unkind again.

• And that theme repeated itself over and over again.

• I battled the spirits of comparing myself to others and jealousy more than I want to admit, but it robbed me of joy and contentment.

• I felt the comfort of God through my wife and others.

• I’ve received forgiveness so many times that my heart will never be the same because of it.

• I now know that I like hugs, even while I’m not always running toward them.

• I know that I am no longer the introvert that I used to be. I love being around people, and value the richness of relationships.

• I fought feeling invisible- both in the eyes of others and my own eyes.

• I knew the despair of believing the lie that God wouldn’t hear me.

• I pushed my wife to follow her dream, even knowing it would take us away from our home.

• I made friends in this new place.

• I worked at Walgreens.

• I worked in a school library.

• I played guitar for a kindergarten class about the color pink! (Major highlight).

• I created a tik tok that has 20.6 thousand followers. How in the world does that even happen?!

• I painfully watched some dreams die, and gleefully watched some new ones birthed.

So thirties, you’ve been a mixed bag. I feel like I’m closer to where I should be, yet still as far away in some senses. And if I have to leave you some parting words, I want them to be words of gratitude. In your decade I have known what brokenness is, and how God can use it to create something beautiful. I lost my sense of security in who I was, which allowed God to create a new sense of security in who He is. I saw how my capacity to be known can cause real dissatisfaction and make my heart toxic, yet also how God can cleanse that toxicity when I open myself to Him willingly and without regard for protecting myself. So, as I say goodbye to you, I thank you for the seismic shifts in my identity. Because of you, I am finally finding my authentic voice and seeing how it fits into the world. Because of you, I have a first mission statement that informs everything that I do in my life, and how I interact with people. And while I have often not gotten you right, I have learned the value in not giving up.

I’ll admit it, thirties. I’m a mess. But God has me covered, and I know that what lies ahead for me will be greater than what I am leaving behind with you. Thank you for your contributions to both who I am, and who I am becoming.

With all my love,

Justin D. Belt

This is the last post in a series where I have intensely focused on who I am as I leave my 3rd decade and walk into my 4th. It was important to me to memorialize several aspects of myself before my birthday hits on tomorrow, July 12. I would invite you to take a look at your life. If you see intersecting points, I welcome dialogue! Leave a comment. I’d love to hear from you.