Where do I start? It’s been the best of times and the worst of times. Sounds trite, but it rings true so I’m going with it. I want to pause for a moment to think about some major things that have happened in your decade. Before we go further, I wanted you to know that I was extremely fearful about leaving you. Somehow I had this thought in my hdad that my best years were supposed to be during your time, but I’ve made my peace. I know my thinking is wrong. Now, let’s reminisce shall we, old friend?
Canaan, Zyla, and Emerie appeared during the last 10 years. Who does that?? Me, evidently.
I discovered the value of community.
I found a passion for teaching, and maybe even a gift for it? (Jury is still out on that one.)
I discovered that my heart is big enough to love my kids and the hundreds of students that I have had in m y 8 years of teaching. I REALLY love my students. They’re my kids for life.
I auditioned for both America’s Got Talent and The Voice. Didn’t make it past the first round on either, but it’s okay.
I wrote and published a book.
I wrote a novel in 27 days and posted it on WattPad.
I wrote several spoken word poems that never saw the light of day.
I started a podcast that I loved.
I participated in the greatest parody tandem ever...the SPOOF BROS!!!
I wrote songs that I forgot about.
I was a children’s pastor, along with my wife, and wrote our theme song.
I was an outreach pastor.
I preached at a church, sometimes 2 services! That was always fun!
I fought with God over pastoring a church, specifically it not happening, and finally found peace without it.
I discovered what depression was, and felt it’s icy grips in every area of my life.
I doubted myself more than any other period in my life.
My facade was broken.
I found that I wasn’t as patient as I always thought that I was.
I made deep, life altering mistakes that exposed the ugliness of my heart and soul.
My selfishness reared itself more than a few times.
My pride took hit after hit after hit.
Life was unkind.
Then life was kind.
Then it was unkind again.
And that theme repeated itself over and over again.
I battled the spirits of comparing myself to others and jealousy more than I want to admit, but it robbed me of joy and contentment.
I felt the comfort of God through my wife and others.
I’ve received forgiveness so many times that my heart will never be the same because of it.
I now know that I like hugs, even while I’m not always running toward them.
I know that I am no longer the introvert that I used to be. I love being around people, and value the richness of relationships.
I fought feeling invisible- both in the eyes of others and my own eyes.
I knew the despair of believing the lie that God wouldn’t hear me.
I pushed my wife to follow her dream, even knowing it would take us away from our home.
I made friends in this new place.
I worked at Walgreens.
I worked in a school library.
I played guitar for a kindergarten class about the color pink! (Major highlight).
I created a tik tok that has 20.6 thousand followers. How in the world does that even happen?!
I painfully watched some dreams die, and gleefully watched some new ones birthed.
So thirties, you’ve been a mixed bag. I feel like I’m closer to where I should be, yet still as far away in some senses. And if I have to leave you some parting words, I want them to be words of gratitude. In your decade I have known what brokenness is, and how God can use it to create something beautiful. I lost my sense of security in who I was, which allowed God to create a new sense of security in who He is. I saw how my capacity to be known can cause real dissatisfaction and make my heart toxic, yet also how God can cleanse that toxicity when I open myself to Him willingly and without regard for protecting myself. So, as I say goodbye to you, I thank you for the seismic shifts in my identity. Because of you, I am finally finding my authentic voice and seeing how it fits into the world. Because of you, I have a first mission statement that informs everything that I do in my life, and how I interact with people. And while I have often not gotten you right, I have learned the value in not giving up.
I’ll admit it, thirties. I’m a mess. But God has me covered, and I know that what lies ahead for me will be greater than what I am leaving behind with you. Thank you for your contributions to both who I am, and who I am becoming.
With all my love,
Justin D. Belt
This is the last post in a series where I have intensely focused on who I am as I leave my 3rd decade and walk into my 4th. It was important to me to memorialize several aspects of myself before my birthday hits on tomorrow, July 12. I would invite you to take a look at your life. If you see intersecting points, I welcome dialogue! Leave a comment. I’d love to hear from you.